9 July 2025 -Full Moons
I’m about to go for a walk to get a fruity coconut ice cream.
~Nothing makes sense except this move right now. When my mind gets too jambled, I go for a walk. Like right now, soon, to soothe my happy/sad mind, and accept what is and what I don’t know and never will understand about the shadows of my thoughts. I don’t think an ice cream will fix it, but I also think it can’t hurt. Mostly I am after the walk, and the iced fruit is a bonus on this hot summer day. I don’t need fixed, I just need love, the love only I can give or receive. I have enough data in trying the same damaged self sabotaging thousands of times over to know that leaning into the old stuff and praying for a life raft in another person is not and can never be the answer. So I retrain my mind, with this walk and books. Sewing until the room goes dark and my eyes bleed. Cooking food I don’t want to eat, and writing this story that doesn’t make sense and never could, so I won’t try. I’ll just let it be itself, let me be myself and stop apologizing for being unresolved. It’s ok to have shattered feelings, as they say, those who matter don’t care, and those who care, don’t matter.
Sometimes it hurts just to share, because sharing brings it all back up. I keep practicing, and retraining my mind. I get to see who I am and get to know myself better through these portals and mirrors back to my home in myself. This therapy, this life that just is and doesn’t need figured out, so I’ll stop trying to puzzle my mind and heart around it. What if I can be as simple as this ice cream; cool and refreshing, and just passing through the day, not here to stay. Ice cream is not forever, it is a treasure of the moment. I love you even when I don’t know how, I love the you that is me and the me that is you and the potted plant I replant back into the real dirt so she can feel the water of the planet soaking to her roots, connecting to the others, through a network uninterrupted by walls.
The walls that cast darker shadows in my world but also let the peace in tranquility of quiet. Letting out the sun, yes, and also a shelter from something that I know is inside me too. It hurts to lock her out, and I know she’ll be ok, or so I can hope. And then I remember to stop puzzling and be still once more, then keep walking. One foot in front of the other, as fast/slow as my happy/sad mind and heart can carry me. It’s impossibly unrealistic to ever think of myself as the victim when I also remember all the times I tried to ruin everything in my life all on my own. I also remember and take credit for my triumphs as well. I have come so far, and know that nothing is ever truly in my rear-view. Time non-linear, some say, and supposedly there is something called moving on.
Is there? I want to believe it. Moving on doesn’t have to be over-thought either, for this is not a puzzle I need to fix. I won’t be quizzed later except by the same opportunities Karmic cycling over and over giving me the opportunity to pattern-up and repeat the same bullshit one thousand and one times, or to choose a different path and be kinder to myself this time. Maybe that is all that moving on is, just choosing different this time and being kind to myself for all the times I chose the same-old and hoped for a new result but got the same again and again. The definition of crazy. We’re all mad here, as they say in Alice, and that ok. Just let it be like clouds rolling through the sky. No need to get stuck on one mad/sad/painful cloud, just watch and breathe.
A thought is not a fact, and a thought does not define me. One moment I can feel the doom of the dark cloud looming over me, and see it thundering in fast, “Oh no,” she says, “Here we. Go again. Run..”
But what if I can remember this time that it’s temporary, and the rain brings rainbows every time? It happens so frequent that I wish it would stop and leave me alone, and I know the day passes, whether I wish it away or not. The years go round, and groundhog back again. The newness arrives and I forget I was ever sad. And then I’m there again, and back. There and back again, a lovers tale of trying and failing and being brave and trying again, but this time choosing different. Life is a bowl of cherries, it’s not all bad, but there are pits and stems. Just chuck em’ out and move on.
Maybe that is what moving on is. I’ll ask next time I’m there.
This time, this cloudy day that was too sunny just a few hours ago, this time, this one time, this one blessed fucking time, this time, this time, this time, this time, this time, now, and here, and now, and this time, This Time,
I’ll go get a fruity ice cream, I think.
.
<3c